‘Music’ has its humble origins in the primitive chirps and growls of lower life forms. The grotesque humpback whale, for example, is known to emit a variety of ominous ‘song cycles’, like the popular “Oooweee, brrrrr, ooowooo, honk-honk-honk. Oooweee, brrrrr, ooowooo, honk-honk-honk.” And primates of different shapes, sizes, colors, and smells dabble in unique styles of what we humans call ‘avant-garde’ music. But why are these animals compelled to make music?

            Research has proven time and again that the music of non-humans has a two-fold purpose. The first fold deals with the connection between animal sounds and mating, while the second fold is concerned with the use of music in establishing territorial boundaries. And it is clear that this dual purpose of animal music lies at the root of human music as well, and dates back to the birth of homo sapiens.

To this day, aborigines of different shapes, sizes, colors, and smells use tribal chants and rhythms to both seduce their mates, and mark their territory. For instance, we have all heard the Native American Love Call, and/or seen groups of Polynesian men singing and beating their chests as if to say “We are big, we are tough, stay away from all our stuff!!!”

But what does this have to do with the Rabbinical School Dropouts?

Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, early evidence of wind instruments, or in flatilia, appeared in caves over 20,000 years ago. Clever homo sapiens hollowed out and drilled finger holes in little branches, creating ridiculously primitive flute-type mechanisms. But these instruments were only used in establishing territory, and for seduction. And wind instruments (as well as string instruments) remained in this prehistoric state until about 4,000 years ago. It was at this time that advanced musical instruments were manufactured in caves throughout modern-day Israel for the purpose of entertainment!

The ‘out-of-the-blue’ improvement upon musical instruments 4,000 years ago has baffled archaeologists, musicologists, historians, and pseudo-scientists for decades. And the curious nature of the phenomenon has inspired many colorful, if not believable, theories. For example, some ‘experts’ have linked the creation of the proto-clarinet (as it is rightfully called!) to the arrival of ‘Space Gorillas’ to this planet. These simians supposedly crash-landed on Earth (conveniently) 4,000 years ago, and lived in caves where they used the proto-clarinet to relay distress signals to their home planet (in the Pthark Nebula). And in his book Easter Island: New Evidence of Creative Dinosaurs and Intelligent Insects, Charles B. Van der Van suggests that a species of cave-dwelling, human-like dinosaurs invented, among other things, the tambourine, marimba, and, of course, the proto-clarinet. But concrete evidence was never provided to substantiate these claims.

Luckily, the ground-breaking archaeological excavation in the Golan Heights, Israel in 1973 put this mystery to rest. The excavation, led by Armenian archaeologist Dikron Kadijovian, discovered what is now universally known as the Book of Reticulus.  As you all know, this infamous Hebraic text is responsible for the formation of a number of New Age religious groups, and various lawsuits.  And in Reticulus 2:3, it is written that “…in (this) year…the Forces of Good mated and (produced) an assemblage of heroes…the (Rabb)inical School Dropouts.” Amazingly, not only was this text carbon-dated to 2000 BCE (about 4,000 years ago), it was also found rolled up inside of a proto-clarinet!

This is why the Rabbinical School Dropouts is known as the oldest band in the world, and why many believe the RSDO invented music.