Clairvoyance has long been a staple of paranormal activity. Throughout history, villages and townships have harbored eccentric individuals claiming to see future events or distant objects with a ‘second sight’. And while the extra-physical experiences of these alleged psychics cannot be confirmed by science, many believe their crackpot claims.

          Similarly, clairaudience (the ability to hear things not perceptible in the ordinary way) is a time-honored psychic ability. In the 15^th century, for instance, Joan of Arc believed a divine voice instructed her to rout the British from French soil. And countless religious gurus insist that God tells them things ranging from “You are blessed” to “Change your socks”.

          Another popular pseudo-scientific subject starting with ‘C’ is ‘chemtrail’. Advocates of this term assert that the US government uses contrails emitted by airplanes to control the weather and/or drop harmful chemicals on innocent Americans. And while it is perhaps no coincidence that the majority of these chemtrails are seen near airports, many conspiracy theorists have described the “sudden and eerie appearance of clouds which spread and cover the sky” (Verbal Hemorrhoid, Nov. 2002). And in some cases, witnesses even claim that these chemical spewing planes are followed by FBI black helicopters. But until very recently, clairaudience and chemtrials have not been unified in a single incident.

          However, last month Dovid Malichai, legendary Hollywood Kabbalist and self-proclaimed “Jewish Mystic to the Rich and Famous” (including Elliot Gould and the Fat Boys) announced that he heard a ‘terrible sound’ coming from a chemtrail. And in a statement released by the Associated Press, Malichai claimed that this ‘terrible sound’ was the Rabbinical School Dropout song ‘Cosmic Tree.’

          Allegedly, Malichai was meditating on a mountaintop near an airfield in Phoenix, AZ when he “noticed a long cloudy trail coming from a private plane…it suddenly started raining”. He was “bothered by a terrible sound coming from the (chemtrail). It was ‘Cosmic Tree’!” This made Malichai so upset that he contacted the owner of the plane and tried to convince him to sue the Dropouts for stealing the song from the plane’s exhaust. “Surely,” he said, “Jon-Jon Friedmann also heard the plane, and subsequently wrote ‘Cosmic Tree’.” The airplane’s owner has not yet responded.

          But critics of Malichai have sighted his brash attacks on ‘neo-klezmer’ as the impetus for outrageous claim. And Mark Goldenspoon of The New Jewish Standard quoted an incriminating statement Malichai made in front of the Traditional Jewish Congress: “I find modern klezmer utterly repulsive. It is disruptive to the Jewish spiritual identity…How can I tolerate something that blocks the shekhina from entering my nefesh?”

          Yet the most damning evidence against Malichai’s allegation came from the lips of RSDO fans. Apparently, three days before he made his claim against the Dropouts, Malichai was seen at their concert handing out business cards that read ‘DOVID MALICHAI – KABBALAH GENIUS’. And when the RSDO began playing ‘Cosmic Tree’, a number of fans heard him yell: “That’s my least favorite song! And it’s so f-----g catchy!”

          Thus, one can assume that ‘Cosmic Tree’ was stuck in Malichai’s head, and tormented him during his high-altitude meditation. After all, as eminent psychologist Ralph Liebler stated in his 1937 essay Clairaudience and the Demonic Brain, “one inclined to esoteric practices has the ability to create his own reality. And one in this condition may displace ‘voices’ in his head onto outside objects such as clouds” (italics added).

          Still, many opponents of modern klezmer support Malichai’s attack on the RSDO. And Harvey Bermberm (son of the late Howard Bermberm-destroyer of Le Robot Fantastique!) recently stated that “The sin of ‘ripping off’ existing music, whatever its source, could only be committed by the Rabbinical School Dropouts and other performers of anti-klezmer” (Bladaford Syndicate, April 2003).

          Nevertheless, it is clear to most rational thinkers that Malichai’s desire to darken the RSDO’s reputation stems from his hatred of new klezmer. And let me just say that ‘Cosmic Tree’ is completely original, although 90% of it derives from an Andrew Lloyd Webber tune.